HOW TO DISMANTLE AN ACHROMIC BURGER

HOW TO

DISMANTLE AN ACHROMIC

BURGER

PARODY OF HOW TO DISMANTLE AN ATOMIC BOMB

VENTI TO GO

MIRACLE WHIP

SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T BAKE SHIT

ON YOUR OWN

LOVE THOSE PEAS OR ELSE

ZITI OF BLINDING BITES

ALL BECAUSE OF JUICE

A PAN AND A CHICKEN

DRUMS FULL OF MAPLE

ORIGINAL OF THE RECIPES

NONE PREPPED KOSHER

SUBWAY

NOVEMBER 2004

VENTI TO GO

PARODY OF VERTIGO

Uno, dos, tres, a venti!

Make mine

A Half-Caf, Quad, Iced Venti,

Soy, Starbucks Doubleshot™

On Ice, Barrista!

Line thins down

It’s dark

The Starbucks is now open

But, please, take heart

I’m fearing it’ll take longer than I thought

You walk inside

And though Timmies is on the other side

Your mind can wonder

Hello, hello

(¡Hola!)

I’d like a Venti to go

(¿Qué quieres?)

Just take my order and do it slow

I accept that customer service is

No longer real

The line is full of assholes

Those idiots take too long

They talk into phones

And shuffle as the stereo

Plays music without soul

Those CDs at the point of sale

Ghastly, I know

I’m staring at my feet

My watch I start to check

The girl that smells of weed

Has an iPod ’round her neck

Blinking to the music...

Blinking to the music

Hello, hello

(¡Hola!)

I’d like a Venti to go

(¿Qué quieres?)

Just take my order and do it slow

I accept that customer service is

No longer real

Check watch

Hours of fun!

Fairtrade?!

I’m in, yeah!

All of this

All of this wait for hours

All of this

All of this wait for hours

All of this

All of this wait for hours

Just give me one croissant

And no one gets hurt

Hello, hello

(¡Hola!)

I’d like a Venti to go

(¿Qué quieres?)

Just take my order and do it slow

I accept that customer service is

No longer real

Real

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

TRACK 1

SINGLE RELEASED NOVEMBER 2004

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU & THE WEDGE

MUSIC BY UCHEW

MIRACLE WHIP

PARODY OF MIRACLE WHIP

I want to spread it on some bread

Macaroni fare

You say you use Heilmann’s instead

Well, that’s just gross to me

I use it in egg salad cause mayo’s dull

Don’t you have any taste at all?

If you offer them just plain old coleslaw

They’d walk right out

A bargain once I spent

Five bucks for a case of ten

There’s ketchup for the fries

I see mustard for these dogs

It’s no picnic

Without that tangy zip

We’re out of Miracle Whip

Want me to fill a shopping cart?

I would go do it

With ordinary mayo here, sweetheart

It’ll taste like shit…

I love you, my wife of mine

But you talk nonsense and waste my time

I will appear with a box full

Of proper dressing here

There’s ketchup for the fries

I see mustard for these dogs

But there’s nothing

With that tangy zip

I’m not giving up

Yeah, not a little bit

For a miracle

Miracle Whip

For Miracle Whip…

God, woman

You said you needed

My help today...

I know the boys

I know my kin

They’ll ask a choice of that dressing

“In lieu of what you’re offering...

Is there some Whip in the kitchen?”

There’s ketchup for the fries

I see mustard for these dogs

But there’s nothing here

With that tangy zip

I’m not giving up

Yeah, not a little bit

For a miracle

Miracle Whip

For Miracle Whip

TRACK 2

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU & THE WEDGE

MUSIC BY UCHEW

SOMETIMES YOU

CAN’T BAKE SHIT

ON YOUR OWN

PARODY OF SOMETIMES YOU CAN’T

MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN

Tough!

I’m saying that’s quite enough!

Still you’re telling me

And everyone

You’re a good cook

You don’t have to give me a fright

You don’t have to set the kitchen alight

You’re forcing me

To have to punch you

If you try again tonight

Listen to me, punk

Then I’ll let go of your throat

Promise me

You’ll never bake alone!

And it’s you

When I clean up in the kitchen

And it’s you

When I’m not at home

Sometimes you can’t bake shit on your own

You f*ck up all the time

You and I we’ll tango

If you break another mixing bowl

I don’t need

I don’t need to hear you say

That if you had another chance

You’d like to try harder than before

Listen to me, punk

Then I’ll let go of your throat

Promise me

You’ll never bake alone!

And it’s you when

I clean up in the kitchen

And it’s you

When I’m not at home

Sometimes you can’t bake shit on your own

Your stuff tastes like chalk

I’m sick of it all

Can – you – hear – me

When – I – saaaaaay....

“There’s no f*cking way!

You’re the reason why

I’m in therapy…”

Okay, let’s not cry now

I just wanted you to know

An apron doesn’t make you a chef

I’m not leaving you here alone…

And it’s you

When I clean up in the kitchen

And it’s you

When I’m not at home

Sometimes you can’t bake shit

On your own

Everytime that you try to bake

I honestly don’t think

The kitchen can take it

Sometimes you can’t bake shit on your own

TRACK 3

SINGLE RELEASED FEBRUARY 2005

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

LOVE THOSE PEAS

OR ELSE

PARODY OF LOVE AND PEACE OR ELSE

Chow down

Chow on fresh veggies

From the ground

Show some love

Not some flack

You’re gonna eat

And not hold back

Chow down with pleasure

Chow down for your mother

She spent much time

Over stove she hovered

If you value your life

You’d better start

Not making a face

At artichoke hearts

I don’t care if you must fake it

Don’t be queasy

Oh, heavens

Please!

Breaks her heart if you forsake it

You need to just cease

Just cease

Proceed to love those peas!

Love those peas!

Chow down

Not shun

And you daughters start trying

And you’ll give a damn, sons

Maybe one bite

No one will turn blue

Won’t you eat just a few

You’d better not moan

Or the Xbox gets banned

I don’t want to see frowns

You’ve all gained some pounds

So let’s all dig in

Hope you’re hungry

Spare us the drama

Love those peas!

Spare us the drama

TRACK 4

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU & THE WEDGE

MUSIC BY UCHEW

ZITI OF

BLINDING BITES

PARODY OF CITY OF BLINDING LIGHTS

The more you use

The hotter it gets

The less you use

Prevents a stomach upset

You know your family

Likes their spicy chow

Grocery cart

Day off work

The ziti calls for more perk

They advertise in the flyers

For half off on stuff

And they’ll kiss you

And fan their mouths astounded

All that pepper you’ll add

Will be really hand-grounded

Oh, you’ll cook up

A bellyful tonight

With this ziti of blinding bites

Don’t cook before you graph

How much before it feels

Like an acid bath

Flash fire

Hot on tongue

They’re gonna love this ziti!

You watch them eat unafraid

They hardly touch

The bread you made

You found a spice

That is sold illegally

It makes a habanero

Feel like a tall iced tea!

And they kiss you

And fan their mouths astounded

Maybe all that caution

Is looking ill founded

Oh, you’ve cooked up

A bellyful tonight

With this ziti of blinding bites

And whine

Soon everyone ruins their pants

And whine

Swearing and crying in their rants

Oh, you’ve cooked up

A bellyful tonight

Oh, you’ve cooked up

A bellyful tonight

Oh, you’ve cooked up

A bellyful tonight

With this ziti of blinding bites

The more you use

The hotter it gets

The less you use

Prevents a stomach upset

Success is just not worth

The heartburn here

TRACK 5

SINGLE RELEASED JUNE 2005

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

ALL BECAUSE

OF JUICE

PARODY OF ALL BECAUSE OF YOU

I was born with a child’s fat face

Nothing worked on my big waist

Always felt fugly with a weight I can’t embrace

And every diet is bullshit

I saw you at Curves across the room

You saw my cookie dough and my spoon

You spurred me to change my tune

I’d lose the pounds if I followed it

All because of juice

I can

I like the sound of a blender on

I didn’t question if this diet’s sound

I think I lost 7 pounds

Another 50 is my aim

Some people get thinner tossing the snacks

Some people got there cutting out fats

It’s no joke cuz I can wear these slacks

Mr. Atkins, you’re so lame

All because of juice

I can

Another 5 and I’m doing porn!

Dots in my eyes—I’m on the floor

I’m out to space and starting to doubt

That this juicing fast is wise

All because of juice

Can’t stand

TRACK 6

SINGLE RELEASED OCTOBER 2005

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

A PAN

AND A CHICKEN

PARODY OF A MAN AND A WOMAN

Listen, mister

You can’t tell me there’s a better way

You can’t beat my chicken

Listen, mister

I won’t settle for poultry that’s just okay

That tastes funny...

Or underdone

‘Barbecued ‘

Never gets laments

Cuz only B-B-Q

Can make chicken succulent!

I could never take your stance

Of losing touch with one’s caveman

(That delicious instance)

‘Cos I could never be so bland

(I’ve some serious resistance)

Using a pan and a chicken

It’s all done with love

And it’s so much more pleasant to chew

It keeps the juices sealed

But yours has no taste to speak of

Tastes so plain

Why bother cooking at all?

How can a bird not be barbecued?!!!

I could never take your stance

‘Cos I could never be so bland

I question your existence

Using a pan and a chicken

Slap on a bun

Let some cheese melt

Dijon mustard I would choose myself

It’s just not in my parlance

Using a pan and a chicken

Evenly distributes heat

For a taste that’s divine

I bought this grill that is so neat

That I’ve turned into a shrine

I’ve turned into a shrine

Listen, mister

You been misheating poultry again

Read up my blog

Listen, mister

Why keep letting mistakes repeat again

Stoves I shun

Cuz that’s just odd!

Poultry needs barbie

To come out great

If you so choose:

Charcoal’s great!

No, you could never taste nuance

Nor taste could a skillet enhance

No enchanting fragrance

Using a pan and a chicken

I stand perplexed...

At plates I jeer

All the wings and breasts you’ve seared

I’d care not a pittance

Using a pan and a chicken

Wrong heat

How can a bird not be barbecued?!!!

TRACK 7

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

DRUMS

FULL OF MAPLE

PARODY OF CRUMBS FROM YOUR TABLE

Where’s the syrup jar

Before my stack gets cold

You have real stuff to offer

Why under tight control?

You’re such a crybaby

You might need some psych help

You’ll just deny to others

And keep the good shit for yourself

Cruel!

Don’t wanna knockoff!

Cruel!

Don’t wanna knockoff!

You sneak!

I find your plunder

I plead, “make ‘em smothered!”

I can’t conceive

Why you’re unable

As I’m staring at your

Drums full of maple

“You’re so petty”,

Goes my stricture

You won’t share some with me

What a shame that you’ve got

This pathology

With a pout I can’t eat

Alienates your best friend

Cuz you won’t ever part

With the real stuff now and then

You sneak!

I find your plunder

I plead, “make ‘em smothered!”

I can’t conceive

Why you’re unable

As I’m staring at your

Drums full of maple

Should I forgive the moron inside

Whether you give or whether deny

Wrong in the head

Insist pancakes are fed

But hide the real supply!

You sneak!

I find your plunder

I plead, “make ‘em smothered!”

I can’t conceive

Why you’re unable

As I’m staring at your

Drums full of maple

TRACK 8

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

NONE

PREPPED KOSHER

PARODY OF ONE STEP CLOSER

I’m ’round the corner store

Buying a kosher meal

See a Star of David with hope

I understand they fired the cook guy

“Put bacon in everything”, they groaned

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

Hasidic merchants

At a busy deli section

They say they’ve slaughtered

Unclean stock

Can’t eat? What a load of schlock!

They’ve got pork touching the meat?!!

They just kvetch, “that’s mishegoss!”

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

Haranguing old rabbis

Had the place closed

Finger instead

Idly picks at my small nose

Well, the mart that skirts

Isn’t where smart Jews eat

I can hear my hunger growing

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

None prepped kosher?

No noshing!

No noshing…

TRACK 9

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

ORIGINAL

OF THE RECIPES

PARODY OF ORIGINAL OF THE SPECIES

Baby, chow down

This blend isn’t done but it’s a start

Please, criticize

I won’t take it to heart

If it’s KFC that you want

Well, I can spare you the jaunt

This is the first batch bear in mind

If you feel like it’s just like before

A meal that you just might adore

Ideal cuz I can make you some more

There’s more I got if it hits the spot

A lot of chicken that I bought

11 different herbs and spices

We don’t have to pay

Ridiculous prices

Some wings just shouldn’t have so much fat

Like Popeye’s, Church’s and KFC’s

Some things have

Way too much cholesterol, baby

Maybe if it’s KFC that you want

Well, I can spare you the jaunt

All this from scratch bear in mind

If you feel like it’s just like before

A meal that you might adore

Ideal cuz I can

Make you some more

There’s more I got

If it hits the spot

A lot of chicken that I bought

11 different herbs and spices

We don’t have to pay

Ridiculous prices

Oh, no...oh, no...

No, no, no, no, no...

There’s half the salt!

Colonel Sanders

I’ve reached my goal!

Your secret’s no longer

Under your control!

11 different herbs and spices

We don’t have to pay

Ridiculous prices

11 different herbs and spices

Oh, my, my...

If you feel like it’s just like before

A meal that you might adore

Ideal cuz I can make you some more

Do you want some more?

Oh, no...oh, no...

No, no, no...

TRACK 10

SINGLE RELEASED FEBRUARY 2005

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

SUBWAY

PARODY OF YAHWE

Take these views

Tsk tsking where some choose to eat

Take these views

And sit on it

Take alert

Do not pester talkin’ trash

Gettin’ nowhere

Take alert

Don’t vent your spleen...spleen

Take this roll

And have whatever

Will sate your jones

Take this roll

And eat the thing...thing

Subway...Subway

Always feign to pour

A stockpile of scorn

Subway...Subway

Still I’m waiting with a yawn

Take these fans

They all seem so merry

Take these fans

They don’t look pissed...no

Shut your mouth

So quick to criticise

Shut your mouth

And feast on this

Subway...Subway

Always feign to pour

A stockpile of scorn

Subway...Subway

Still I’m waiting with a yawn

Here’s adding to

Here’s adding to one’s devotion

We’ve got a 2 for 1 promotion!

Subway...Subway

Always feign to pour

A stockpile of scorn

Subway

Tell me now

Why the snark before the yawn?

Take this pity

A pity you’d be dining at a grill

Trade this pity

If decrease your bill

What no man can moan

No man forsake

Make a fresh start

With Phillysteak

TRACK 11

LYRICS BY BONNEEAU

MUSIC BY UCHEW

RESET